> The P & O Chronicles Volume 2
>
> INDIANA SLOPE
>
> AND THE TOILET OF DOOM
>
> THE FINAL WEEK
>
> Apart from a quick stop at Palma to top up with unleaded we are at sea
> now until our return to Southampton on Wednesday.
>
> We need to fill up as apparently this boat does 17.5 metres to the
> gallon ­ so it gets through a fair bit of fuel.
>
> When we are at sea the days tend to blur together so the final week of
> our journey is best encapsulated in one go rather than trying to break
> it up and make it seem as if something interesting happened every day.
>
> As we leave the Black Sea ports we will be retracing our journey back
> down the Bosphorous past Istanbul then through the Dardenelles on our
> way to the brief stop in Palma on Saturday.
>
> The weather is wonderful so the old folk are all up on top of the boat
> frying themselves at every opportunity.
>
> My little sheltered haven where I can sit and read is nearby so it¹s
> great sport to watch the oldies cooking and listen in on some of their
> inane conversations.
>
> I heard one old girl ask a passing steward ³Do the crew sleep on
> board?
>
> The staff and crew are always faultlessly polite in the face of such
> stupid questions when they must be absolutely dying to be rude or rip
> the piss out of some of these brain dead punters that they have to put
> up with.
>
> For the cruise through the Dardenelles Indiana has been able to
> persuade the entertainments team that he should be allowed to go onto
> the bridge of the ship and give a commentary to the passengers as we
> pass through.
>
> All thoughts of the clip board are now forgotten.
>
> Indiana is very excited.
>
> I point out that we are passing through the Dardanelles at 3 in the
> morning which causes brief panic until Indiana realises that his loyal
> assistant is taking the piss ­ again.
>
> So late on the afternoon of Wednesday I hear the familiar ³bing/bong
> of the ships tannoy system which is normally followed by the deep and
> reassuring tones of our Captain.
>
> Tap tap tap ­ testing testing 1 2 3 ­ can you hear me?
>
> Eventually the dulcet tones of our eponymous hero ring around the boat
> and a fascinating talk follows as we cruise through the historic
> waterway.
>
> I hate this bit but I have to tell you he was bloody good ­ although I
> did find it a bit embarrassing when he got all excited and made
> machine gun noises as we sailed past Gallipoli.
>
> The Oriana Theatre Company are presenting a tribute to Eurovision in
> the theatre after dinner so that¹s worth going to in the hope that
> one of the blokes will fall and hurt himself, or better still, one of
> the girls will have a clothing mishap.
>
> Both of these are regular occurrences by all accounts.
>
> The performance does not disappoint.
>
> There always seems to be one female dancer who is a bit of a salad
> dodger and this troupe is no different.
>
> The girls are all kitted out in tiny skirts and little crop tops
> supported by diamante bra straps.
>
> I¹ve had to send Indiana to bed as this would all be too much for him.
>
> The particular girl who has caught my eye must have some hidden talent
> as she¹s clearly not here for her looks.
>
> Suffice to say that were the flooding to return she would make an
> excellent sand bag.
>
> The male dancers are quite athletic strong looking lads but there is
> one little chap who sticks out like sore thumb. He¹s shorter and
> skinnier than the rest of them and is topped off with bright red hair
> and wing nut ears. It is though easy to tell why he is in the show as
> he has a wonderful voice.
>
> Clearly someone in the production team has a sense of humour as wing
> nut has been given the job of dancing with and generally picking up
> and throwing around our friend the salad dodger.
>
> He gets redder and redder and his knees wobble more with each song and
> dance routine but he keeps at it without ever dropping her.
>
> I do however watch with fascination as her diamante bra strap works
> its way closer and closer to the point of no return on her shoulder
> whereupon due to the weight of her Walters* it will slip down and wing
> nut will end up deaf or with two black eyes.
>
> It duly happens but all of a sudden our large dancer develops speed
> and coordination that so far had deserted her. In one move she spins
> away from the audience, slides the bra strap back over her shoulder
> and leaps back onto the shoulders of wing nut.
>
> Quite an impressive recovery and probably only the few perverts like
> me who had been waiting for this actually saw what happened.
>
> Her swinging tit left quite a nasty red mark on wing nuts right ear
> but other than that the kids coped well.
>
> As the week at sea passes much time is spent with book and fag near
> one of the pools on deck 12. Some dreadful sights around as I have
> mentioned earlier. I become fascinated by one particular woman who is
> clearly allergic to or simply opposed to the use of Immac.
>
> Her legs are hairier than mine.
>
> One day as she walks towards me I could swear that she¹s got Ken Dodd
> in a headlock but in fact it¹s just her armpit hair ­ very scary.
>
> A brief stop in Palma sees Indiana locked away in the cabin preparing
> the talks for his American cruise which leaves next weekend. So I
> wander into the town to pick up some English newspapers and have a
> look around.
>
> Palma is now very posh, it¹s like Mayfair on Sea!
>
> Designer shops everywhere and lots of very wealthy people in amazing
> yachts in the marina.
>
> I feel no need to be with the beautiful people so find myself helping
> Syd Little find his way back to the boat with 36 bottles of Mateus
> Rose.
>
> The Palma weekend passes in a blur of beer, football and rugby. A bit
> like the average Great Missenden weekend really.
>
> One of the dancers manages to break a leg in rehearsals over the
> weekend. I can¹t help wondering if it was wing nut collapsing under
> the weight of Sandra the salad dodger.
>
> The consequence of this unfortunate accident is that the
> entertainments staff have to put together a cabaret show at 24 hours
> notice to fill the gap left by the dance troupe.
>
> Indiana only goes and offers to help saying he can do a 10 minute
> stand up comedy slot!
>
> Has he gone mad ­ he¹s the worst joke teller in the pub.
>
> If he¹s given a slot I shall go to bed early as I don¹t want to see a
> mate suffer in public.
>
> I¹m glad that Indiana¹s lectures have been so well received but he¹s
> putting it all at risk if he thinks he¹s Billy Connolly.
>
> Maybe I¹ll offer to do speech therapy classes in the mornings.
>
> As we reach the final leg of our journey the sea is becoming very
> rough indeed. Indiana and I put in a serious and lengthy session in
> Anderson¹s Bar on Monday night. Shit loads of beer and gay coffee is
> consumed and eventually at around 02.40 the bar staff suggest that we
> and our various drinking buddies ought to be off to bed.
>
> With a 12 foot swell and after a marathon drinking session the journey
> back to the cabin is an eventful one.
>
> I fall asleep fearing that I may have told the joke about the woman
> who can only reach an orgasm during a thunderstorm and worry about
> Indiana¹s trip to America next week.
>
> Our final day at sea and we are faced with even bigger waves. The
> staff have very kindly placed ³Motion Discomfort Receptacles around
> the boat for our use.
>
> What a magic name for sick bags.
>
> I¹ve got a bloody awful hangover but I don¹t think I¹m sea sick. No
> doubt when the hangover passes I¹ll find out.
>
> Bit of a sleeping it off day and thankfully once the hangover passes I
> realise that I am one of the lucky ones who is not suffering with sea
> sickness. Indiana is also in fine fettle but the boat is almost
> deserted as people have clearly taken to their beds.
>
> All that¹s left to do now is pack the cases ­ spreading the excess
> duty frees between both sets of cases and keeping our fingers
> crossed, pay the tips to our steward and waiters and then head off
> for one last 7 course dinner followed by piss up.
>
> We get an hour back tonight so a bit of lie in before braving the M27,
> M3 and M25.
>
> If nothing else this journey of discovery has made me realise that I
> should never consider a career with old people and that diplomacy is
> not one of my greatest strengths.
>
> Indiana still appears to have a career with P. & O. despite my best
> efforts though I do think that as he makes his way across the Atlantic
> next week he will miss the charm of my snoring and farting in his
> cabin.
>
> * Walters ­ cockney rhyming slang for titties.