> The P & O Chronicles Volume 2
>
> INDIANA SLOPE
>
> AND THE TOILET OF DOOM
>
> DAY TWO
>
> 06.45
>
> Wide awake and ready for the first day at sea. Indiana is sleeping
> like a baby, he¹s sucking his thumb and has clearly wet himself.
>
> 07.15
>
> Ready to venture out for a wander and perhaps some breakfast, leaving
> Indiana to enjoy his much needed beauty sleep. Armed with book and
> fags I head to the promenade deck where I know I¹m allowed to have a
> fag on the left hand side.
>
> The right hand side of the boat is equipped with splendid metal sand
> filled ash trays every 20 metres each bearing a sign in big red
> letters imploring ³ No Smoking².
>
> Strange really. A bit like a sign on the bog door saying ³ No pissing
> or poohing².
>
> Having found myself a table, chair, ash tray and a cup of tea I
> quickly realise that the promenade deck first thing in the morning is
> a bit like the Heathrow section of the M25.
>
> I¹ve not been seated for more than a few seconds when a vast multitude
> of old folk clad in lycra and all the latest gear from JJB Sports come
> hurtling round the corner, in an anti-clockwise direction, clearly out
> for their morning constitutional.
>
> I bet when they are at home in Wigan and Barnsley and whatever other
> God forsaken northern town they live in they are not up at 07.15 in
> the morning pounding the streets looking like Puff Daddy on a
> particularly bad day. At that time of the day they are almost
> certainly feeding the ferrets and chucking more coal in the bath so I
> am baffled by this sudden desire to exercise.
>
> Several pass me in electric wheelchairs now that really does baffle
> me.
>
> Calmness descends and I open the book when around the old buggers come
> again.
>
> They are pissing me off now so I head inside for breakfast.
>
> I like to be the difficult boy so I set off in a clockwise direction
> causing chaos and mayhem as Zimmer frames, wheelchairs and old girls
> in trainers the colour of lilies of the valley are forced to take
> evasive action.
>
> They have a big medical unit on this boat I wonder if they can cope
> with hip replacements.
>
> 07.45
>
> Walking past the main dining room I notice that it¹s still fairly
> quiet so I plump for the full breakfast silver service the whole bit.
>
> Tea and porridge are fairly uneventful. Next I opt for poached eggs on
> toast.
>
> Two beautifully poached eggs arrive but with no toast. I beckon a
> passing Goanese law graduate, a waiter, to request some toast. In his
> most patronising tone he points out that the toast is on the plate. I
> can¹t see the bloody stuff until he lifts an egg and points to a
> perfect circle of toast hidden underneath. I don¹t mind a bit of the
> old Marco Pierre White but this really is bollocks so I order two
> rounds of proper rectangular full size toast and promptly slide it
> under my eggs. The waiter is clearly pissed off which is good as I
> think he¹s a bit of a twat.
>
> Must remind myself not to go for the Ken and Barbie breakfast
> tomorrow.
>
> 09.00
>
> Indiana is now one of the undignified old folk striding purposefully
> around the promenade deck in an anti-clockwise direction why does
> that not surprise me?
>
> Decide to spend a quiet morning dozing in the sunshine with my book.
> My only commitment is to be at Indiana¹s lecture in the Chaplin
> Cinema at
> 14.15.
>
> 14.45
>
> Sneak into the back of the cinema hoping to go unnoticed.
>
> Indiana is in full flight but after a few minutes I hear the
> unmistakeable sound of snoring. They¹ve put him on straight after
> lunch and inevitably scattered amongst the audience are a number of
> wrinklies who have over indulged and are now spark out for the
> afternoon.
>
> Undaunted by this sleight Indiana bashes on and delivers a highly
> amusing and interesting lecture about Ferdinand and Isabella.
>
> SSSSSSapparently they won Eurovision for Spain some time back, or did
> I fall asleep as well.
>
> 15.15
>
> Beer and a debriefing with Indiana. I tell him there were at least 300
> present and they all adore him. He¹s easily pleased. Someone recently
> told him the word gullible had been taken out of the dictionary and he
> believed them.
>
> 16.15
>
> Wander to the top of the boat for a few hours in the sun with the book
> and some beer.
>
> To make my way to the Al Fresco bar I have to pick my way through
> countless old men in Speedos and old girls who need ironing in their
> large floral bikinis. Thankfully dinner is not until 20.30. I¹m no
> bloody oil painting but at least I don¹t flaunt myself around the
> place in tight Speedos God forbid I hear you say.
>
> 19.30
>
> Black tie dinner and Captain¹s reception tonight so back to the cabin
> to prepare. It¹s quite a small bathroom and Indiana takes far too long
> doing his hair.
>
> 20.30
>
> Wonderful 6 course meal in company with Indiana and Reenie.
>
> She can go on a bit but after a while she tells us with obvious pride
> that her late brother was part of the successful dam busters raid. His
> plane dropped the first bomb to breach the dam and she is clearly
> immensely proud of him. Sadly he was killed when his plane ditched in
> the North Sea some months later. I¹ve decided to forgive Reenie her
> occasional dull moments as she¹s an impressive and dignified old girl
> with many stories to tell hopefully we¹ll hear a few more tonight.
>
> 22.45
>
> Indiana decides to go to the opera. Being the pleb that I am I give
> that a miss and head for the casino. Bad move I lose a few quid but
> it really was only a few!
>
> 00.00
>
> To The Crow¹s Nest for a couple of gay coffees with Indiana who had a
> great night at the opera.
>
> 00.45
>
> To bed and straight to sleep dreaming of dying in a stampede of old
> women dressed like rappers in pink trackies.