The P & O Chronicles Volume 2

INDIANA SLOPE

AND THE TOILET OF DOOM

DAY TWO

06.45

Wide awake and ready for the first day at sea. Indiana is sleeping like
a baby, he¹s sucking his thumb and has clearly wet himself.

07.15

Ready to venture out for a wander and perhaps some breakfast, leaving
Indiana to enjoy his much needed beauty sleep. Armed with book and fags
I head to the promenade deck where I know I¹m allowed to have a fag on
the left hand side.

The right hand side of the boat is equipped with splendid metal sand
filled ash trays every 20 metres each bearing a sign in big red letters
imploring ³ No Smoking².

Strange really. A bit like a sign on the bog door saying ³ No pissing or
poohing².

Having found myself a table, chair, ash tray and a cup of tea I quickly
realise that the promenade deck first thing in the morning is a bit like
the Heathrow section of the M25.

I¹ve not been seated for more than a few seconds when a vast multitude
of old folk clad in lycra and all the latest gear from JJB Sports come
hurtling round the corner, in an anti-clockwise direction, clearly out
for their morning constitutional.

I bet when they are at home in Wigan and Barnsley and whatever other God
forsaken northern town they live in they are not up at 07.15 in the
morning pounding the streets looking like Puff Daddy on a particularly
bad day. At that time of the day they are almost certainly feeding the
ferrets and chucking more coal in the bath so I am baffled by this
sudden desire to exercise.

Several pass me in electric wheelchairs now that really does baffle me.

Calmness descends and I open the book when around the old buggers come
again.

They are pissing me off now so I head inside for breakfast.

I like to be the difficult boy so I set off in a clockwise direction
causing chaos and mayhem as Zimmer frames, wheelchairs and old girls in
trainers the colour of lilies of the valley are forced to take evasive
action.

They have a big medical unit on this boat I wonder if they can cope
with hip replacements.

07.45

Walking past the main dining room I notice that it¹s still fairly quiet
so I plump for the full breakfast silver service the whole bit.

Tea and porridge are fairly uneventful. Next I opt for poached eggs on
toast.

Two beautifully poached eggs arrive but with no toast. I beckon a
passing Goanese law graduate, a waiter, to request some toast. In his
most patronising tone he points out that the toast is on the plate. I
can¹t see the bloody stuff until he lifts an egg and points to a perfect
circle of toast hidden underneath. I don¹t mind a bit of the old Marco
Pierre White but this really is bollocks so I order two rounds of proper
rectangular full size toast and promptly slide it under my eggs. The
waiter is clearly pissed off which is good as I think he¹s a bit of a
twat.

Must remind myself not to go for the Ken and Barbie breakfast tomorrow.

09.00

Indiana is now one of the undignified old folk striding purposefully
around the promenade deck in an anti-clockwise direction why does that
not surprise me?

Decide to spend a quiet morning dozing in the sunshine with my book. My
only commitment is to be at Indiana¹s lecture in the Chaplin Cinema at
14.15.

14.45

Sneak into the back of the cinema hoping to go unnoticed.

Indiana is in full flight but after a few minutes I hear the
unmistakeable sound of snoring. They¹ve put him on straight after lunch
and inevitably scattered amongst the audience are a number of wrinklies
who have over indulged and are now spark out for the afternoon.

Undaunted by this sleight Indiana bashes on and delivers a highly
amusing and interesting lecture about Ferdinand and Isabella.

ŠŠŠŠŠŠapparently they won Eurovision for Spain some time back, or did I
fall asleep as well.

15.15

Beer and a debriefing with Indiana. I tell him there were at least 300
present and they all adore him. He¹s easily pleased. Someone recently
told him the word gullible had been taken out of the dictionary and he
believed them.

16.15

Wander to the top of the boat for a few hours in the sun with the book
and some beer.

To make my way to the Al Fresco bar I have to pick my way through
countless old men in Speedos and old girls who need ironing in their
large floral bikinis. Thankfully dinner is not until 20.30. I¹m no
bloody oil painting but at least I don¹t flaunt myself around the place
in tight Speedos God forbid I hear you say.

19.30

Black tie dinner and Captain¹s reception tonight so back to the cabin to
prepare. It¹s quite a small bathroom and Indiana takes far too long
doing his hair.

20.30

Wonderful 6 course meal in company with Indiana and Reenie.

She can go on a bit but after a while she tells us with obvious pride
that her late brother was part of the successful dam busters raid. His
plane dropped the first bomb to breach the dam and she is clearly
immensely proud of him. Sadly he was killed when his plane ditched in
the North Sea some months later. I¹ve decided to forgive Reenie her
occasional dull moments as she¹s an impressive and dignified old girl
with many stories to tell hopefully we¹ll hear a few more tonight.

22.45

Indiana decides to go to the opera. Being the pleb that I am I give that
a miss and head for the casino. Bad move I lose a few quid but it
really was only a few!

00.00

To The Crow¹s Nest for a couple of gay coffees with Indiana who had a
great night at the opera.

00.45

To bed and straight to sleep dreaming of dying in a stampede of old
women dressed like rappers in pink trackies.