Martin Bulmer wrote:

Now, it happened that the Hobbit in the hole was Mr Bulbo Boggart, and it
happened that Bulbo was the only hobbit who knew how to read, so he also
knew that very soon all his friends and relations would be knocking on his
round wooden door to find out what the paper said. Being a sociable hobbit,
he put on the kettle and prepared to welcome them in. He walked to his door,
picked up the notice that was lying on his mat, and propping the door open
so that no-one need knock, he returned to his arm-chair and settled down to
read.

Shortly it seemed that all the hobbits in the village were gathered in
Bulbo's sitting room, sipping tea, and puffing away on their pipes.
"Now then, Uncle Bulbo," said his nephew Fraudo, "won't you tell us what all
these papers mean?"
"I have sad news to relate" replied Bulbo.
"This notice is signed by Toe Nibbler, the Great Monster in the Southlands.
It says that as of next Saturday night, pipe smoking is banned throughout
the kingdom."
A loud gasp went up amongst the assembled company, for pipe smoking was an
essential accompaniment to almost everything that a hobbit did.
"What did he say"? shouted Deffo.
"PIPES BANNED!" yelled several of his nearest companions.
"Oh good!" exclaimed Deffo, incongruously, "I like a good Pipe Band",
wherewith he started to sing. And what a sound he made! The melody he sang
was "Hobbit Town the Brave", which he executed (yes) in a high whine down
his nose, accompanying himself with whooshing noises of the lips, and a low
intermittent drone which appeared to come from his trouser regions.
"Wehh, wehh wu wherr wherr whu wherr,
bssh, wehh wu wherr wherr whu wherr,
PHRRumph, wehh wu wherr wherr whu wherr,
EEEEEEEEEEEk!!", the latter being the sound made by a hobbit being sat upon.
It is a little known fact that old hobbits do not die, they merely evolve
slowly into bagpipes. Old Deffo was almost there.

Chapter 2 In the Beginning.

In the beginning the world floated in space, fully formed but dark, so dark,
and cold as the grave. Then in the black sky a pinpoint of light appeared.
The ancient race of giants who were the only inhabitants of the world in
those days saw the light, and strained towards it, but no matter how they
strained the light got no bigger, nor any brighter. There was in those days
a tree so high that it pierced the clouds, and a herd of aurochs so large
that the ground trembled as they passed, even though they be on the other
side of the world, so you can imagine the amounts they were passing; surely
even more of it than this tale! So the curious giants captured three
aurochs and harnessed them to the tree. They then captured three more which
they sacrificed to their gods, then tanned the aurochs' hides, which were
next cut into strips and plaited into a brown cord to make a whip. They
goaded the harnessed aurochs with this whip, and thus the world was drawn
towards the light, which is the sun.
The giants and the aurochs died out long ago, but the brown cord whip
survived, and has been handed down throughout the ages. It is said that with
one blow it can remove up to forty percent of the skin from a man's body.
Known in the old tongue as the "Cordon Brun", it had for many years been in
the possession of Toe Nibbler, and was the source of his power.

Chapter 3 The Two Towels.

The ancient leather workers who made the whip had also left two more items
which had survived from time immemorial; the Two Towels, one grey from
wiping their brows in the sweaty heat of the tannery, and one a pristine and
shining white, which had never been used. Both held awesome power, and with
one flick either towel could destroy the world.
Toe Nibbler owned the white one. Toe Nibbler was named thus because he was
ineffectual but irritating. Nevertheless, with the aid of the Cordon Brun
and the White Towel he had clawed his way to the seat of power in the
Southlands, and as Lord of the White Towel he held sway over most of the
Land.
In a land far away over the sea lived another lord, Lord Djidubya of the
Unfortunate Mouth, who secretly wished to own both towels of power. An evil
lord of the East had claimed to hold the soiled towel. Lord Saddaman was his
name, and Lord Djidubya with the help of Toe Nibbler had gone hunting for
the Grey Towel. They found Lord Saddaman hiding in a hole in the ground,
pretending to be a humble hobbit, and for this reason they had come to
despise hobbits. But they didn't find the towel, which thereafter was spoken
of only by it's initials; WMD, Wiper of Mass Destruction.

(There's more, lots more, I can feel it. Forgive.)